Wild diva diversity

Or maybe this should be titled "Hello, I am a Hamster."

I've been thinking about this for awhile now, especially lately since I've put myself back on the rack of weight loss/fitness/nutrition blah blah blah. If you've seen any of the Planet Earth series, you've seen the incredible diversity of wild animals in nature, miraculously evolved to subsist in whatever climate or geography they're in. Isn't it possible that humans are so wildly diverse for the same reasons?

We all know those people who are born skinny, eat like garbage scows and stay thin effortlessly. Then there are those of us who fight like hell to stay within a "healthy" weight range, only to pop back up to the same weight no matter how many times we lose those last ten pounds. And of course our standardized Western image of female beauty is skewed to six-foot-tall lollipops with inflated boobs and poufy lips, never mind that it's only 8% of the female population.

Elephants, for example, are huge. They are big, gray, and wrinkled, and they remind me of my jolly fat grandfather in his gray work pants. Maybe that's why I like elephants. I watch the series about the African plains and admire the nimble, lovely impalas and tiny dik-diks and marvel at the fluidity of their movements in the herd. But elephants aren't graceful. They don't glide or leap in graceful symmetry. They plod. They stumble. They plop down in the muddy water and roll around in the mud, lazily.

But suppose they treated themselves the way human females do. Suppose a normal elephant decides they want to look like an impala. Do they sit around with the herd and think, I need to eat eight thousand calories less every day and by the time we migrate to the reservoir in June, I'll look just like that fancy-ass impala over there? I'll cut down on the bamboo -- I swear I will! -- and I'll jog around the swamp at night, that'll do it. Or should I have my tusks reduced?

Would an elephant do that? No. A skinny elephant would not be a healthier, happier elephant -- it would just be a smaller, probably weaker elephant. And it sure as hell wouldn't look like an impala, or be able to leap gracefully -- it would still plod on its big stumpy feet because dammit, that's how elephants walk.

I laugh when I think about what certain animals would look like if subjected to humanity's perverse expectations. Imagine a skinny hippopotamus -- those short legs would look hilarious with a giant skinny ribcage flailing around on top of it. Or a scrawny, angular panda bear? Where's the cute in that? Even those darling little dik-diks probably wish they were taller. Would they pump up the steroids, trying to match heights with a gazelle?

It tires me. I have fat friends and skinny friends, and all of us sit around and criticize ourselves and wish we were thinner/taller/blonder/younger/prettier blah blah blah until it makes me crazy. I don't exempt myself from this behavior either -- otherwise I wouldn't be trying to get back in shape -- but I'll be damned if I'll kill myself to look like a dik-dik. I'm not tall. I'm not angular. I will never have long, lovely legs and broad shoulders and no hips. I have more in common with Marilyn Monroe than I do with Kate Moss. I couldn't run a mile to save my life. I'm not an elephant, but I'm not an impala either. I'm more of a lioness who lazes around and sleeps a lot but can haul ass in a hurry if the food's getting away.

Wouldn't it be radical if we just decided to accept ourselves the way we are? If we just tried to be healthy and strong, no matter what animal-body-type we are? If you were an animal, what would you be?