Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Diva wedding

A couple months ago I suffered some torture at a wedding across town, on the bad side of the tracks at Planet Tacky. I prayed for the universe to erase the hideous memories from my worn- out brain, and it delivered.

I attended a Diva Wedding, and it was PERFECT. The most adorable white chapel on earth, dressed with swaths of mocha silk, FRESH beautiful fall flowers (burnt orange roses, fresh greenery, red and brown accents), brass chandeliers, candles softly flickering, and cute comfortable white bamboo-style chairs with plain white cotton cushions. GORGEOUS. The bride was exquisite in her classic ivory silk strapless gown, carrying a simple bouquet of fresh cream-colored roses. The bridemaids wore pale latte-colored silk strapless gowns with sashes of dark brown satin pinned with jeweled brooches. The mother of the bride (who is a ridiculously young and beautiful diva) looked like a model in her coffee-colored halter gown -- very simple, very stylish. And of course the men all looked staggeringly handsome in their suits (have I mentioned how much I love men in suits? all the better to grab them by the tie and kiss them) and boutonnieres.

All the music at the ceremony was played by a harpist - Elegant! Poetry was read -- Classic! No horrible warbling off-key singers -- just beautiful classical music and a really heartfelt, personal ceremony about the rigors and responsibilities of marriage, ending with traditional vows and the introduction of the married couple.

Did I say the wedding was gorgeous? The reception was even better. The perfect white chapel was right next door to the perfect reception hall, so we walked over to the reception where we were immediately greeted by a waiter with a tray full of glasses of white wine. I tell you, nothing says classy like waiters in tuxes with a tray full of drinks. Waiters! with drinks! Handing them out so you don't even have to muscle your way through the mob to go to the bar!

Another thoughtful touch was the place cards for the seating arrangements. Nobody had to wander around wondering if they should sit next to old Uncle Farty -- it was all thought out. We headed for our table, which was dressed with chocolate silk tablecloths, gold chargers, fresh flowers and champagne glasses.

I could go on and on, raving about the food and the drinks and the cake and the champagne, but I may just go into a swoon. It was like Hollywood came out to the midwest and delivered a wedding straight out of a movie. I felt like standing up and cheering, "THIS IS THE WAY THE DIVAS DO WEDDINGS, BABY!!!"

It hasn't completely erased the memory of the Gumball Wedding with a side of Cracked Plastic Vat of Petroleum-Based Cheese Food, but it sure kicked that memory's ass. And when I stopped at the ladies' room on the way out the door, I stepped into a clean beautiful room with rose-patterned carpet, scented soap and stall doors that shut without having to be yanked with a rope. The DIVA is in the DETAILS!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Limerick Wednesday

There once was a girl on a diet
who cut up a chicken to fry it
unwrapped the foil,
poured in the oil,
but the kitchen was eerily quiet

No wine bottle popping its cork
No tasting the rice with a fork
Portions are small
I'm climbing the wall
I could eat an entire roast pork

Wandering around in the clutter
Looking for snacks as I mutter
under my breath,
"a fate worse than death?"
Dreaming of chocolate and butter

I sigh as I sit down to eat
Three ounces of sprouted whole wheat
a salad of green,
a single green bean,
and a morsel of overcooked meat

The chicken will wait until later
I'll fry it and serve it with taters
mashed up with cream,
some broccoli I'll steam,
But for now the goal is much greater

So off to the gym I will run,
skip all food served on a bun,
drink water, not wine
eat tofu, not swine,
until the tortune is done

I've got ten extra pounds now to lose,
this diet is blowing my fuse
I'm outta the kitchen
I'm sick of this bitchin'
I'm off to the mall to buy shoes.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Gnomes at work

People who work at insurance companies are bitter, rancid gnomes who smoke too much and hunch over their paperwork with their headsets on trying to rack up the most claim denials in 15 minute increments.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

The world's shortest fairy tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said "NO!" And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theater, never watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.