eet eez not French, mais non

Before I offend the vast hordes of my readers, both of you, let me first say that I love accents. All kinds, because I think they are cute and human and charming, although sometimes ear-piercingly awful. I especially love accents that have no particular reference to any country, like Edna Mode in The Incredibles, but this is because I'm a dweeb.

So, I went and got a manicure and pedicure the other day. The place I go to is small, owned by Koreans, has pretty much an open door policy (and I mean literally open door, they leave it propped open to get the nail dust out) and gets you in and out for about $25 for a pretty decent pedicure. The hilarious thing about the place is trying to understand what they are saying to you, which is why I ended up with a nice "French" manicure and pedicure that is so bright white it makes me look like I'm under a black light.

The little Korean ladies rush over and say "Hi OK, you pick colo' out, OK? You wan' both? OK!" I follow one of them to the little pedicure chair and plop my feet in the tub. I don't really know what she means by "both," but I figure it can't be too bad. (What, like both hands? Both feet?)

The nail lady assigned to me comes and grabs my right foot out of the water and smiles like a crazed doll. "You wan' cut, OK?" She looks at my toes and says "Ohno! No you no wanna cut just file, OK? You toenail look GOOR!!! You no has no prorem with toes, no." She goes to work on my toes, and I am relaxing in the nifty massage chair when she grabs a bowl of something and says "You wanna sarrub?"

I blink, like a dense dog. What's a sarrub? Is it a snack, customarily offered to guests in Korea?

She waves the bowl around and says it again. "Sarrub, good for leg! Fi dolla!" Finally I realize she's asking me if I want a salt scrub for my legs and feet to smooth the skin, and I decline, feeling silly. What's the proper etiquette when someone has your leg hoisted up and is speaking bad English about your rough skin?

She finishes the prep work on my feet and says "Whe' colo'? No colo?" I tell her (eagerly, because I am beginning to understand her wonky accent) "I'd like a French today, please." She looks at me grimly, as if I'd asked her to suck my toes purple, but pulls out her bottle of white polish and starts painting thick white lines furiously. They are so sloppy that I almost stopped her, but I was afraid she'd stab me with a cuticle stick.

Anyway, she eventually finished and I have to say they looked OK, if a little supernaturally white. The Korean lady, however, was so happy with her own work that she said something in rapid native language to the other ladies, and they lean over to look at my feet and babble. "Oooh, you toenails GOOR! You be toenail moder!! Look, no mawk, no rine -- no sarrub? You no have sarrub? Oh, you lucky have GOOR toenail, ha ha ha ha!" I don't know why they call it French.